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30 July 2010 Saturday, July 31, 2010 / 12:58 AM
I really hate to end all my nights with tears.
Really stupid.
I hate my life.
Hates my family.
Hates the way that i am struggling thru' every single part of life.
One word.
Stress.
Two words.
Fucked up.
I used to be a happy little girl.
Who doesn't have any stess.
Happy go lucky.
Forgive and Forget.
But now. I am no longer that happy little girl.
Nor a happy big girl.
Now here's my fucked up life story...
I never lived with my parents.
Except on Chinese New Years.
Other than that i live with my sister, 2 aunties, 1 godmother and 1 godfather.
The day i got my O levels results.
I wanted to be a good girl and listen to the advices that parents gave.
Got into a course in TP which i am totally not interested in.
Just because my parents said so.
Then i realised that i really cannot put my heart into studying something that i have no interest on.
So after one year.
My parents agreed to my 'habit' and let me withdraw from TP.
So i entered NYP.
Because i entered the school with a black record in TP.
I couldn't get something i have interest in.
And i ended up in another no life course.
Finally got into FB in my second year.
Then i found something that i really love and keeps me moving.
So i put in almost all my extra time into it to dance more.
Which makes me happy.
Due to performances I could hardly see my family.
So at times i will decide not to hang out with my friends on weekends.
And stay at home.
However, this leads to an interesting thing.
Every Saturday, as long as i am at home, there will be this thing going on.
I will wake up at 3.
On my laptop, sitting in the living room and prepare for my wonderful first meal.
1 of my aunties will sit beside me.
Then not long after, my parents will start to enter the house.
And world war starts to begin.
No matter how insignificant the problems were.
There will just be one main lighter.
Name of one of the most stupid reason: Missing of yakult bottles.
Every mistakes discovered in the house.
Every blames will be pushed to me.
I dont know why.
But some how, this is the trend.
And this is not the worst part.
There are even typical kind of two headed snakes in the family.
They gossips, back stab and lie.
Because of all these.
Almost every Saturday at almost 3.
It will be either a shouting match between...
Me Vs Aunty & Mother Vs Father or Me Vs Aunty Vs Father & Mother.
Imagine your own parents screaming at you.
Imagine your own parents screaming at your own aunty because of you.
Imagine your own mother feat. your aunty screaming at your father because of you.
And imagine your parents screaming at each other because of you.
Every time when all these shits happen.
I don't feel like staying at home more.
And i rather to prioritise my wonderful days to dance and friends.
Every morning i begin feeling disappointed in myself as i cannot make it for school.
For some reasons.
The motivation that i used to have for studying is gone.
I used to force myself to study for my family.
But i can no longer do so cause i hate my family.
It is very contradicting.
I want to make them feel proud of me BUT i am not interested in how they feel anymore.
I will just attend my dance practices even if i don't have one on that day.
All the way until midnight.
So that i can avoid all my family members.
But every night when i reach home.
My phone will start being spammed.
Parents will call non stop.
Nagging about the same old things.
I know that they care.
But even though i am already trying my best to make them feel better.
They just get ignorant of all my efforts.
I am already trying not to sleep for the whole night in order to be in time for 8am classes.
So that they will feel better.
But problem gets in when my aunty or anyone makes any assumptions that they like.
And starts spreading around in my family.
To my parents and to others.
Then i will get hell again the next day at night on phone.
Some times i just wished that i could run off from home and change hp number.
I used to think that my sister has changed.
From good to bad.
But i came to realise that she is like that because of this family.
Just like the way i feel right now.
We always have a small talk now and then, recently.
And i realised that she is just like me.
Wanting to run off from the family.
Wishing that we will have the money to move out from the house.
I just couldn't take it.
Totally feel like giving up this whole life.
But i can't..
Can you believe that i am actually crying when i am typing this.
Every blames will be pushed to me.
I dont know why.
But some how, this is the trend.
And this is not the worst part.
There are even typical kind of two headed snakes in the family.
They gossips, back stab and lie.
Because of all these.
Almost every Saturday at almost 3.
It will be either a shouting match between...
Me Vs Aunty & Mother Vs Father or Me Vs Aunty Vs Father & Mother.
Imagine your own parents screaming at you.
Imagine your own parents screaming at your own aunty because of you.
Imagine your own mother feat. your aunty screaming at your father because of you.
And imagine your parents screaming at each other because of you.
Every time when all these shits happen.
I don't feel like staying at home more.
And i rather to prioritise my wonderful days to dance and friends.
Every morning i begin feeling disappointed in myself as i cannot make it for school.
For some reasons.
The motivation that i used to have for studying is gone.
I used to force myself to study for my family.
But i can no longer do so cause i hate my family.
It is very contradicting.
I want to make them feel proud of me BUT i am not interested in how they feel anymore.
I will just attend my dance practices even if i don't have one on that day.
All the way until midnight.
So that i can avoid all my family members.
But every night when i reach home.
My phone will start being spammed.
Parents will call non stop.
Nagging about the same old things.
I know that they care.
But even though i am already trying my best to make them feel better.
They just get ignorant of all my efforts.
I am already trying not to sleep for the whole night in order to be in time for 8am classes.
So that they will feel better.
But problem gets in when my aunty or anyone makes any assumptions that they like.
And starts spreading around in my family.
To my parents and to others.
Then i will get hell again the next day at night on phone.
Some times i just wished that i could run off from home and change hp number.
I used to think that my sister has changed.
From good to bad.
But i came to realise that she is like that because of this family.
Just like the way i feel right now.
We always have a small talk now and then, recently.
And i realised that she is just like me.
Wanting to run off from the family.
Wishing that we will have the money to move out from the house.
I just couldn't take it.
Totally feel like giving up this whole life.
But i can't..
Can you believe that i am actually crying when i am typing this.
